When is it Time to STOP?

“There is always a right moment to stop something.”- Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

When is it time to stop?   Furthermore, how is this moment measured?  Does it vary according to the situation at hand…or is it based on the person in the given situation?  Are there any rules?  While asking these questions I am very aware of one thing: it’s very hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does, which is why making the decision to stop could take years.  Nevertheless, in some situations–let’s say when love dies, for example–it’s rather obvious and easy to put an end to the whole shebang.

Generally speaking, the longer you are a couple, the harder it is.  I’m sure you all know from personal experience or from the experience of others that sometimes–even if you know that the relationship you’re in is utterly destructive–making up your mind to stop trying doesn’t come easily.  Nevertheless, nothing is impossible, and every wound eventually heals; remember, the sooner you make the decision to “stop” (after having given it your all, of course, since you don’t want to suffer from regret or remorse), the less painful it will be.  Please note, that before you decide to walk out on a relationship, you have to do two things first: listen and talk, in one word, communicate.  Don’t just make the decision to call it quits because your partner is guilty of one of the sins below, because sometimes he or she might genuinely be unaware of the crime he or she is committing.  This takes me back to my initial question: when is it time to stop?

Thou Shalt Not Resort to Excuses

The moment excuses take up a big chunk of your dialogues and thoughts, it’s about time to stop.  Why?  Well, whenever we make–or give–excuses, something’s definitely wrong.  Excuses start to appear hand-in-hand with problems, both conscious and subconscious ones.  Think about it, when do you make excuses?  You make them when you’re aware that you’re not really giving the relationship your all; the moment your partner senses the latter, he or she starts blaming you, and thus you start blurting out your list of well-known excuses.  You start, however, giving excuses, when you subconsciously (most of the time) sense that your partner is drifting away from you but you’re still not ready to deal with the matter.  You tell yourself “he or she just had a rough day at work, that’s why I didn’t get the regular evening phone call,” or “he/she is exhausted and needs some sleep that’s why we won’t go out to dinner tonight,” and the list goes on.  I’m aware that in some cases both excuses are actually valid, but when they start happening on a regular basis, then it’s likely that they’re just plain, lame excuses.

Thou Shalt Not Insult

By insults I don’t mean “you idiot,” when it’s in a joking context, of course, but I know of several couples (whose anonymity I will respect), where one of the two started gradually insulting the other on a regular basis.  This is not acceptable.  The moment this starts happening, you need to talk about it first and–if it doesn’t change the situation–then you need to walk out and slam the door, NOW!

Thou Shalt Not Offend

By offending I don’t mean insulting.  Offenses aren’t necessarily insults, as we know them, they’re usually subtler, yet more hurtful and definitely more demeaning.  If your partner starts to hint at your weak spots every time you argue, you should know that this is intentional, especially if it happens more than once.  Furthermore, if he or she constantly tries to put you down and underestimate your capabilities, it may be subconscious, but it is still definitely offensive.  Again, you need to point the latter out to your partner.  No matter what you do, don’t try to offend him or her in return, justifying your act by telling yourself that you just want him or her to feel how hurtful it is.  The moment you commit this sin you no longer have the right to complain.  Nevertheless, if after talking about it your partner still insists on offending you–whether directly or indirectly–you definitely need to get up and run.  Offenses are destructive and could lead to permanent or semi-permanent damage, and I’m sure you don’t want that for yourself.

Thou Shalt Not Lie

Don’t convince yourself that a lie can be “white,” it can’t!  Even if it is harmless (which is not true in most cases), the fact that you or your partner resorted to lying resonates negativity: the moment you start lying highlights that you’re aware of an unwanted or unacceptable action and thus feel the need to hide it.  Once lies enter into the relationship you know something’s wrong!  Again, if you–or your partner–lie once it’s not really a sin, don’t overdo it.  But if this is a new trend, then you’d better watch out.

Thou Shalt Not Check Out Members of Your Partner’s Sex

I know that we’re all guilty of this sin.  We can’t help it when a drop-dead-gorgeous man or woman walks by, naturally we look, and that’s not what I’m talking about.  What I do think is worrisome, however, is if your partner constantly checks out members of the opposite sex while he or she is with you.  Picture having an intense conversation and catching your partner starting at someone else.  Again, if it happens once, it’s ok…we all make mistakes, but if it’s a common “thing,” then it’s time to wave “bye, bye.”

Thou Shalt Not Be Miserable

Mothers always tell us “the moment you’re miserable, walk out,” but as stubborn as we are, we don’t follow their simple piece of advice!  Every relationship has its ups and downs, and you’re bound to feel miserable and sad sometimes, that’s how life is.  If, however, you spend an entire year crying yourself to sleep every night, then something is seriously wrong and it’s about time that you followed your mother’s advice!

Thou Shalt Not Act Without Love

In Buddhism “right action” is strongly emphasized.  So what is “right action”?  It is defined as “acting without expecting anything in return.”  I am very well aware that this isn’t the easiest thing to do.  However, when you love someone, you enjoy doing whatever it takes to please him or her, regardless of how exhausting it is for you.  So, the moment you stop acting with love, a major issue is at hand and you need to sit down, think clearly and analyze your actions and motivations.  If you find yourself acting just because you “have to” or “need to” as opposed to because you “want to,” then you are acting without love, which is a big no-no!

When it’s right there’s no doubt about it…it’s like trying on a dress that fits perfectly and clings to all the right places.  And when it’s wrong, it’s like trying on an oh-so-fabulous gown that you’re supposed to love but don’t, and for some reason you don’t really know why…it just feels wrong.  So, other than watching our for the “sins,” also follow your gut feeling, be honest with yourself and listen to your inner voice.