“The keys to a successful relationship are respect and tolerance,” a friend of mine once told me. Come to think about it, I have to agree, but I would have to add two more keys, namely patience and communication. Furthermore, I would like to replace “tolerance” with “understanding,” because based on my friend’s definition, that is probably what he meant. Before I go on with this piece, I need to make something clear: I am not solely talking about intimate or romantic relationships (although I do believe that–in Egypt at least–they need the four keys more than anything!) but also friendships, relationships between co-workers, family members…practically any human-human relationship. Furthermore, the criticisms I make are based on my close observation of several couples and groups of people in different settings.
Key #1: Respect
“The only society that works today is also one founded on mutual respect, on a recognition that we have a responsibility collectively and individually, to help each other on the basis of each other's equal worth. A selfish society is a contradiction in terms.”- Tony Blair
Generally speaking, I find that people misunderstand the word “respect.” I asked ten people how they would define “respect,” and nine of them said “it means not insulting another person or offending them (in a verbal or physical manner).” The latter is true, and yet it is inaccurate and incomplete. We often narrow down disrespect to insults. But that’s not necessarily the only case. Often, disrespect goes unnoticed and unrecognized. Cases of putting down the Other, “indirectly” offending him or her through non-verbal communication or verbal cues, disregarding what the Other says, looking down upon the Other are all examples of serious disrespect, which–even if not really noticed in all cases–have even a worse effect that the obvious insults. Without respect, numerous problems arise, leading to miscommunication, frustration, anger, and eventually, even the termination of the relationship as a whole. Mind you, just because you’re upset or in a bad mood, it does not give you the right to disrespect another person.
Key #2: Understanding
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”- Dale Carnegie
I find understanding to be one of the more difficult keys to turn. We all have our differences…we all have our advantages and disadvantages. Nevertheless, when faced with a fence on the road, we have to options: we can either turn around and walk back or jump over it, it’s really up to you. If you choose to turn around then that’s the end of it, you simply can’t deal with whatever flaw the other person has, and that’s fine. If, however, you choose to remain close to that person, you need to understand him or her. Understanding can only come through communication, another key that I’ll discuss later on in this article. Furthermore, enforcing your opinions or views on another person A. is a form of disrespect and B. is farthest away from understanding. Again, you’ll be practically poisoning the relationship. If the Other feels that you constantly don’t understand him or her, or that you’re not even trying to, he or she will walk away. Remember, nobody’s perfect, so don’t expect perfection…and trust me, neither are you!
Key #3: Patience
“Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.” - Titus Maccius Plautus
I love that word, for many reasons really…but I love how people throw it around and always ask you to “be patient,” while–most likely–they themselves do not posses this quality. We are always in a rush…we have deadlines to meet, appointments to catch and a million things to do every day. When we need to wait in line for ten minutes we fidget after the first two! Patience is either a gift or it is acquired, but–speaking from experience–very few people are born with that quality. You truly need to train yourself and it’s definitely worth it. How many times did you almost (if not completely) ruin a relationship of some sort because you acted in a horrible way due to your impatience? You didn’t think twice about what you were saying to that other person and you ended up scarring them for life? I’m sure it happened more than once…sometimes you don’t even notice it until it happens to you. So slow down, take a deep breath, and think wisely; don’t overanalyze, just give yourself more than a second to think!
Key #4: Communication
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”- Rollo May
Speaking from personal experience, I believe that good communication is vital…and, unfortunately, lacking as well. When it comes to couples (especially) one person does most of the talking and almost none of the listening, enforcing his or her views without listening to the Other’s response. A typical case of miscommunication, leading up to frustration, anger and tears. When I asked the same bunch of people about whether they believe that they communicate properly or not, most of them replied “we talk about how we spend our day…you know, the basic stuff.” Well, that to me is not synonymous with good communication; that equals homework! Good communication includes, number one, LISTENING. Listening to problems, dreams, aspirations, silly comments and then REPLYING based on what has been said. The more important of the two is definitely “listening.” Most people never listen; they enjoy talking and don’t allow others to indulge in that same activity they love so much. So remember, “listening” is the bigger part of the key, without “listening,” good and proper communication cannot exist.
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