When is it Time to STOP?

“There is always a right moment to stop something.”- Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

When is it time to stop?   Furthermore, how is this moment measured?  Does it vary according to the situation at hand…or is it based on the person in the given situation?  Are there any rules?  While asking these questions I am very aware of one thing: it’s very hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does, which is why making the decision to stop could take years.  Nevertheless, in some situations–let’s say when love dies, for example–it’s rather obvious and easy to put an end to the whole shebang.

Generally speaking, the longer you are a couple, the harder it is.  I’m sure you all know from personal experience or from the experience of others that sometimes–even if you know that the relationship you’re in is utterly destructive–making up your mind to stop trying doesn’t come easily.  Nevertheless, nothing is impossible, and every wound eventually heals; remember, the sooner you make the decision to “stop” (after having given it your all, of course, since you don’t want to suffer from regret or remorse), the less painful it will be.  Please note, that before you decide to walk out on a relationship, you have to do two things first: listen and talk, in one word, communicate.  Don’t just make the decision to call it quits because your partner is guilty of one of the sins below, because sometimes he or she might genuinely be unaware of the crime he or she is committing.  This takes me back to my initial question: when is it time to stop?

Thou Shalt Not Resort to Excuses

The moment excuses take up a big chunk of your dialogues and thoughts, it’s about time to stop.  Why?  Well, whenever we make–or give–excuses, something’s definitely wrong.  Excuses start to appear hand-in-hand with problems, both conscious and subconscious ones.  Think about it, when do you make excuses?  You make them when you’re aware that you’re not really giving the relationship your all; the moment your partner senses the latter, he or she starts blaming you, and thus you start blurting out your list of well-known excuses.  You start, however, giving excuses, when you subconsciously (most of the time) sense that your partner is drifting away from you but you’re still not ready to deal with the matter.  You tell yourself “he or she just had a rough day at work, that’s why I didn’t get the regular evening phone call,” or “he/she is exhausted and needs some sleep that’s why we won’t go out to dinner tonight,” and the list goes on.  I’m aware that in some cases both excuses are actually valid, but when they start happening on a regular basis, then it’s likely that they’re just plain, lame excuses.

Thou Shalt Not Insult

By insults I don’t mean “you idiot,” when it’s in a joking context, of course, but I know of several couples (whose anonymity I will respect), where one of the two started gradually insulting the other on a regular basis.  This is not acceptable.  The moment this starts happening, you need to talk about it first and–if it doesn’t change the situation–then you need to walk out and slam the door, NOW!

Thou Shalt Not Offend

By offending I don’t mean insulting.  Offenses aren’t necessarily insults, as we know them, they’re usually subtler, yet more hurtful and definitely more demeaning.  If your partner starts to hint at your weak spots every time you argue, you should know that this is intentional, especially if it happens more than once.  Furthermore, if he or she constantly tries to put you down and underestimate your capabilities, it may be subconscious, but it is still definitely offensive.  Again, you need to point the latter out to your partner.  No matter what you do, don’t try to offend him or her in return, justifying your act by telling yourself that you just want him or her to feel how hurtful it is.  The moment you commit this sin you no longer have the right to complain.  Nevertheless, if after talking about it your partner still insists on offending you–whether directly or indirectly–you definitely need to get up and run.  Offenses are destructive and could lead to permanent or semi-permanent damage, and I’m sure you don’t want that for yourself.

Thou Shalt Not Lie

Don’t convince yourself that a lie can be “white,” it can’t!  Even if it is harmless (which is not true in most cases), the fact that you or your partner resorted to lying resonates negativity: the moment you start lying highlights that you’re aware of an unwanted or unacceptable action and thus feel the need to hide it.  Once lies enter into the relationship you know something’s wrong!  Again, if you–or your partner–lie once it’s not really a sin, don’t overdo it.  But if this is a new trend, then you’d better watch out.

Thou Shalt Not Check Out Members of Your Partner’s Sex

I know that we’re all guilty of this sin.  We can’t help it when a drop-dead-gorgeous man or woman walks by, naturally we look, and that’s not what I’m talking about.  What I do think is worrisome, however, is if your partner constantly checks out members of the opposite sex while he or she is with you.  Picture having an intense conversation and catching your partner starting at someone else.  Again, if it happens once, it’s ok…we all make mistakes, but if it’s a common “thing,” then it’s time to wave “bye, bye.”

Thou Shalt Not Be Miserable

Mothers always tell us “the moment you’re miserable, walk out,” but as stubborn as we are, we don’t follow their simple piece of advice!  Every relationship has its ups and downs, and you’re bound to feel miserable and sad sometimes, that’s how life is.  If, however, you spend an entire year crying yourself to sleep every night, then something is seriously wrong and it’s about time that you followed your mother’s advice!

Thou Shalt Not Act Without Love

In Buddhism “right action” is strongly emphasized.  So what is “right action”?  It is defined as “acting without expecting anything in return.”  I am very well aware that this isn’t the easiest thing to do.  However, when you love someone, you enjoy doing whatever it takes to please him or her, regardless of how exhausting it is for you.  So, the moment you stop acting with love, a major issue is at hand and you need to sit down, think clearly and analyze your actions and motivations.  If you find yourself acting just because you “have to” or “need to” as opposed to because you “want to,” then you are acting without love, which is a big no-no!

When it’s right there’s no doubt about it…it’s like trying on a dress that fits perfectly and clings to all the right places.  And when it’s wrong, it’s like trying on an oh-so-fabulous gown that you’re supposed to love but don’t, and for some reason you don’t really know why…it just feels wrong.  So, other than watching our for the “sins,” also follow your gut feeling, be honest with yourself and listen to your inner voice.

Just a Thought… (7)

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.” - Anonymous

“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.”- David Borenstein

“The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence; not in silence, but restraint.”-Marianne Moore

We always talk about feelings…”I feel this” or “I feel that”…and I’ve noticed that when someone talks about the way he or she feels, a certain glimmer of light appears in the speaker’s eyes, especially when it comes to love.

When we encounter a strong emotion…when we truly feel it, it sweeps over us; it turns our world upside down, even if only for a moment…we feel truly alive.

When it comes to love, however, some people claim that they can “control” their feelings.  The first time I heard this from a guy friend of mine I couldn’t stop laughing.  Personally, I think it’s ridiculous.  Nevertheless, over the past month I’ve heard this idea of “controlling one’s feelings” at least three times from three different people.  Now, I no longer find it a ridiculous idea; it has turned into a scary technique.  When faced with a strong emotion towards another person, some of us “freak out.”  The latter can be attributed to numerous reasons, but speaking from what I’ve dealt with, all the reasons fall under one large umbrella, namely fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of disappointment, fear of getting hurt…and the list goes on.  But what is going on?  Are people really that scared to take a leap and risk it all for the one they love?  Whatever happened to “love conquers all”?  Yes, it’s an overused statement, but there must be a reason behind why it’s been quoted so many times!  The fact is, I don’t believe that feelings have an “on” and “off” switch.  I, for one, embrace every single feeling I have, and I think that makes me more alive than someone who doesn’t.  As for those who claim that they are able to control their feelings, in my opinion, that’s just garbage.  Feelings are not rational.  They belong to the heart, not to the mind, and thus are not subject to over thinking, rationalizing and/or distortion…as long as you allow your heart to control them.  Even if you don’t…even if you force yourself to deny a certain feeling because “it’s the right thing to do,” it will resurface–sooner or later–and its strength will be multiplied (trust me on that one), so there’s really no point in running away from it, or suppressing it, from the start.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  If you start to “feel” something, it’s for a reason, suppressing it is going against it, and thus going against nature…which will definitely do more harm to you on the long run, as opposed to the short-lived harm it will do to the person you’re so scared to allow your feelings to surface for.  My advice to you: embrace your feelings, because if they’re meant to be there they will not disappear, even if you tell yourself that they’re under control.  It’s definitely better to deal with them now rather than pushing them away; if you do, you will only find yourself flooded with them when the time is no longer right.

The Present is a Gift

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – The Buddha

How many of us truly live in the present moment?  I’m pretty sure that if I asked this question in a crowded room, I’ll hear over a hundred “I dos” during the ten seconds following my utterance of the query.  But…if I ask them to think again, and throw in the words “past” and “future,” I’ll probably catch most people observing the others in the room, waiting to see what their answers will be.  Then, I’ll probably get five “I dos,” and that’s if I’m lucky!  

The truth is, only about a handful of us live in the present.  Most of us dwell on the past or dream of the future.  We waste our days overanalyzing, coming up with assumptions based on past experiences or destructive thoughts, and thus “shaping” our future–or at least that’s what we think we’re doing.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should drop the past and the future completely…I’m just asking you not to live your life based on them.  Think about it, the past is dead…literally…that’s why it’s called passed…it is gone! As for the future…it doesn’t even exist yet; the moment it comes into existence it becomes…guess what…the present!  

A few years ago, I was criticized for being too analytical and basing my decisions on assumptions, which I now see was definitely wrong.  Maybe I was scared of getting hurt…or disappointing my mother…whatever the unconscious reason was at the time, I wasn’t able to enjoy the present moment because I was too concerned with the future!  Again, I’m not telling you to drop the future completely.  I for one do live in the present, I truly enjoy every moment of it, but at the same time, I sort of have a four-year-plan with respect to my career and educational development, for example.  And in my opinion, the latter does not conflict with the former.  

I must say, I didn’t realize I changed so much in terms of how I lived my life until a few weeks ago when I got into a discussion with the same person who–a few year back–criticized me for “thinking too much,” and “basing decisions on assumptions.”  Ironically, now the tables have turned and that very same person is the one making decisions (on his own) based on assumptions.  I have to admit though, that his assumptions aren’t out of the blue…they could be right, but they could also be wrong…time’s a blabber and the truth will eventually come out…but for now, what’s so wrong with enjoying the present while we have it?  In the middle of our conversation it hit me: if he continues to base his risk-free life on assumptions to avoid hurt or disappointment, then he will never live his life to the fullest…simply because a life that is 100 percent risk free, isn’t really an exciting or interesting one, and on the long run, he will probably look back and realize that he forced himself to loose quite a lot…and honestly, I don’t want that to happen to him, or anyone who chooses to live his or her life in that same manner.  

Strategic planning and analysis is sometimes needed–in my opinion–in terms of career, education and financial issues to ensure security.  However, when it comes to close relationships, friendships, trips…i.e. the fun things in life, living in the present is (again, in my opinion) the better option.  Yes, there might be disappointments, heartache and tears…but there might also be happiness, smiles and joy.  And, to be honest with you, I’d rather risk getting hurt than preventing my self from falling in love…I’d rather risk getting disappointed than preventing myself from understanding the true meaning of “trust.”  

Always remember, the present is a “gift,” that’s why it’s called the present. 

A is for Appreciation & B is for Beauty

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumblebee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”- Ashley Simth

Sometimes our lives don’t go as smoothly as we’d like them to.  We get into an argument with our partners, parents, friends, co-workers…or we just happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed…it happens!  When any of the latter happens, most of us find ourselves having a “bad day,” which sometimes turns into a bad week, a bad month or even a bad year!  Did you ever wonder why a small incident sometimes blows up and ruins the entire day, if not more than that?  It’s pretty simple, actually.  When something annoys or bugs us, we tend to dwell on it (as human beings), we let it affect our mood and thus nothing seems to go right; we fail to see the beauty in anything…we start taking the positive elements in our lives for granted and we zoom in on the one negative thing, allowing it to grow and thus ruin almost every positive thing.  

I know people who not only allow a small argument to completely ruin their day, but even get sick because of it, and I’m talking headaches, coughs, vomiting…and the list goes on.  If you’re one of those people you’re in serious trouble.  Why?  Well, for starters, you’re ruining your health, and secondly, when you take the positives for granted, they will be taken away from you–and, of course, that’s when you’ll realize you lost them, or that they even existed in the first place!  

I’m not one to preach that you should “count your blessings,” because, honestly, when I’m in a bad mood, that’s the last thing I want to hear (even though it’s true, one should be grateful for what one has).  What I do, however, suggest you should do, is very simple: stop and look for a second; observe your surroundings and “force” yourself to see the beauty around you (as hard as it may seem sometimes).  Allow me to clarify my suggestion: on my way to work or school, one of the following scenarios can take place (on a “bad day”): A. I complain (to myself) about running late, complain that my driver doesn’t smell too good, complain that the traffic is horrible, complain that the radio host is annoying, complain that the driver in the car next to me can’t drive properly, complain that the pedestrians are morons, complain that my phone is ringing off the hook, complain that my best friend isn’t understanding…and the list goes on.  Then, when I do get to work, complain (of course) that no one’s doing what they’re supposed to be doing, complain that my boss is over demanding and complain that the office boy can’t make a decent cup of coffee.  On my way home, I complain that traffic is bad, complain that I have a headache, complain that my parents ask too many questions and complain that my feet hurt.  I get home, take a shower and go straight to bed.  The definition of a “bad day.”  Now…let’s take a look at scenario B.  I’m running a bit late, but it’s honestly not that big of a deal (as long as it’s not an hour), I walk out of my house, take a deep breath, and look at the beautiful purple flowers growing over my garage and spot a tiny butterfly making its way through the petals. I then get into the car, spray some perfume to cover up the driver’s cigarette breath, listen to my iPod and sing along to my favorite tune in my head; as I do that, I look out the window at the clear blue sky and the shining sun. If I see a few animals on the street (dogs, cats, horses, donkeys…) I smile (yes, I love animals).  I try not to focus on the traffic, and instead of letting pedestrians annoy me, I actually let them pass…not many people do that, so why not help out a woman carrying two kids and trying to balance a huge sack on her head?  I get to work and smile at my boss and co-workers, and if my coffee isn’t perfect, I just ask for more milk or sugar.  Then, on my way home, I look out the window and appreciate the sunset.  Once I’m home, I spend some time with my family then on the phone with my girlfriends, talking about relationship drama and figuring out “why he did this” or “why he said that,” then I take my shower and tuck myself into bed.

All I’m saying is, that it’s really up to you.  Yes, I’m aware that it’s not always that simple; some problems are more difficult to deal with than others.  But if you allow yourself to sink in an ocean of misery, you won’t be able to solve the initial problem, let alone the dozen you just added onto your list.  The more you practice, the more you’ll find yourself automatically noticing the beauty around you. So, force yourself to appreciate at least one beautiful thing everyday…it will make all the difference.

A Second Chance?

“I am here again, in a familiar place feeling something I've felt before, wondering why it's still here, why I didn't deal with it more fully before. But I'm glad I have a second chance at it ... and I know that if I need a third chance, I'll get it. I also know that if it comes up again, I'll recognize it sooner and deal with it more readily. This is growth. And, I am happy to be alive.” – Jan Denise

Why is it that a lot of people look down upon second chances?  If you give someone a second chance you are criticized for being “stupid,” “weak,” “desperate” or “confused”; words like “hopeful,” “optimistic,” and “strong” don’t often come into the equation…my question is why?

I never used to believe in second chances, simply because like the majority of you out there I thought of them as time-wasters.  Nevertheless, over the past few months, I’ve come to understand the importance and value of giving others–as well as ourselves–second chances.  Of course, the latter is not always applicable.  So when should you not give someone a second chance?  For starters, if that person hasn’t changed–and you haven’t either–then clearly, there’s no point because if both of you are exactly the same, then–obviously–the end result will be the same as well.  If however, even one of you changed, then a second chance may be your best option.  Furthermore, if both of you are more or less still the same but the circumstances changed (assuming in this case the they were the main impediment), then–again–a second chance is worth a shot.

Now that I got that out of the way, back to my initial question: why do “second chances” have a rather negative connotation?  I personally believe that one who is willing to give it a second try (if not a third and fourth), is strong, courageous, hopeful and optimistic.  Those who choose not to even contemplate the idea of second chances are–most likely (and again, this is based on close observation–afraid…to get hurt, to get disappointed…and the list goes on; in short, the second-chance-giver isn’t the stupid or weak one, on the contrary, he or she is actually the stronger and wiser one (assuming that the case falls into one of the categories previously discussed).  

Keeping an open mind is key.  It also allows you to live your life to the fullest, welcome new (and renewed) experiences, makes you more tolerant and understanding, and definitely makes you see things from numerous aspects, as opposed to he or she that is solely focused on one strict path for whatever reason.

Of course, if I directly ask one of the many who choose to not keep an open mind and refrain from giving second chances for the hell of it, why that is the case, they will most likely not say “I’m afraid.”  Instead, they’ll claim to be “wise for learning from past mistakes,” and “intelligent for not wasting (their) time.”  For me, that’s definitely hiding behind a veil.  I’m not saying that the subject is lying; in most cases I believe that he or she isn’t even aware of the matter!  When we get hurt, we find it very difficult to “let go.”  Even if we claim to have gotten over it, the truth always shines forth through our actions (and not to mention, our eyes as well).  The latter is the reason why I understand that for some people it’s very difficult to keep an open mind and allow for second chances to take place; they’ve been hurt before (maybe more than once) and thus will do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening again.  They build a wall to keep themselves safe…but…don’t they realize that by walling themselves in, they’re also walling everyone else out?  

If we don’t allow ourselves to feel…if we don’t allow ourselves to experience intense emotions…then we aren’t really alive, are we?

The Four Golden Keys

“The keys to a successful relationship are respect and tolerance,” a friend of mine once told me.  Come to think about it, I have to agree, but I would have to add two more keys, namely patience and communication.  Furthermore, I would like to replace “tolerance” with “understanding,” because based on my friend’s definition, that is probably what he meant.  Before I go on with this piece, I need to make something clear: I am not solely talking about intimate or romantic relationships (although I do believe that–in Egypt at least–they need the four keys more than anything!) but also friendships, relationships between co-workers, family members…practically any human-human relationship. Furthermore, the criticisms I make are based on my close observation of several couples and groups of people in different settings.

Key #1: Respect

“The only society that works today is also one founded on mutual respect, on a recognition that we have a responsibility collectively and individually, to help each other on the basis of each other's equal worth. A selfish society is a contradiction in terms.”- Tony Blair

Generally speaking, I find that people misunderstand the word “respect.”  I asked ten people how they would define “respect,” and nine of them said “it means not insulting another person or offending them (in a verbal or physical manner).”  The latter is true, and yet it is inaccurate and incomplete.  We often narrow down disrespect to insults.  But that’s not necessarily the only case.  Often, disrespect goes unnoticed and unrecognized.  Cases of putting down the Other, “indirectly” offending him or her through non-verbal communication or verbal cues, disregarding what the Other says, looking down upon the Other are all examples of serious disrespect, which–even if not really noticed in all cases–have even a worse effect that the obvious insults.  Without respect, numerous problems arise, leading to miscommunication, frustration, anger, and eventually, even the termination of the relationship as a whole. Mind you, just because you’re upset or in a bad mood, it does not give you the right to disrespect another person.

Key #2: Understanding

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”- Dale Carnegie

I find understanding to be one of the more difficult keys to turn.  We all have our differences…we all have our advantages and disadvantages.  Nevertheless, when faced with a fence on the road, we have to options: we can either turn around and walk back or jump over it, it’s really up to you.  If you choose to turn around then that’s the end of it, you simply can’t deal with whatever flaw the other person has, and that’s fine.  If, however, you choose to remain close to that person, you need to understand him or her.  Understanding can only come through communication, another key that I’ll discuss later on in this article.  Furthermore, enforcing your opinions or views on another person A. is a form of disrespect and B. is farthest away from understanding.  Again, you’ll be practically poisoning the relationship.  If the Other feels that you constantly don’t understand him or her, or that you’re not even trying to, he or she will walk away.  Remember, nobody’s perfect, so don’t expect perfection…and trust me, neither are you!

Key #3: Patience

“Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.” - Titus Maccius Plautus

I love that word, for many reasons really…but I love how people throw it around and always ask you to “be patient,” while–most likely–they themselves do not posses this quality.  We are always in a rush…we have deadlines to meet, appointments to catch and a million things to do every day.  When we need to wait in line for ten minutes we fidget after the first two!  Patience is either a gift or it is acquired, but–speaking from experience–very few people are born with that quality.  You truly need to train yourself and it’s definitely worth it.  How many times did you almost (if not completely) ruin a relationship of some sort because you acted in a horrible way due to your impatience?  You didn’t think twice about what you were saying to that other person and you ended up scarring them for life?  I’m sure it happened more than once…sometimes you don’t even notice it until it happens to you.  So slow down, take a deep breath, and think wisely; don’t overanalyze, just give yourself more than a second to think!

Key #4: Communication

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”- Rollo May 

Speaking from personal experience, I believe that good communication is vital…and, unfortunately, lacking as well.  When it comes to couples (especially) one person does most of the talking and almost none of the listening, enforcing his or her views without listening to the Other’s response.  A typical case of miscommunication, leading up to frustration, anger and tears.  When I asked the same bunch of people about whether they believe that they communicate properly or not, most of them replied “we talk about how we spend our day…you know, the basic stuff.”  Well, that to me is not synonymous with good communication; that equals homework!  Good communication includes, number one, LISTENING.  Listening to problems, dreams, aspirations, silly comments and then REPLYING based on what has been said.  The more important of the two is definitely “listening.” Most people never listen; they enjoy talking and don’t allow others to indulge in that same activity they love so much.  So remember, “listening” is the bigger part of the key, without “listening,” good and proper communication cannot exist.  

Mask Off!

“Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde

Many of us have uttered one of these phrases at one point or another “I know myself,” “what you see is what you get,” and of course “this is who I am, take it or leave it.”  Think again.  Did you really mean what you think you meant?  Seriously, how many of us truly know ourselves? How many of us present the true image of ourselves?  And how many of us really mean it when we say “this is who I am”? 

Unfortunately, most of us fall victims to the demands and wishes of the Other.  The Other can be synonymous with parents, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancés, husbands, wives, bosses…and the list goes on.  We live our lives according to their wants and needs…out of fear?  Maybe. Out of the desire to please?  Sounds like another valid option.  Because it’s the easy way out…no struggles, fights or arguments?  Could be.  Whatever, the reason may be, we waste our days trying to stick to rules and values that–in most cases–aren’t really ours, and…in the end…we become a carbon copy of whoever it is we’re adhering to.  What’s worse is, unfortunately, that we feel trapped and we end up hating ourselves.  We get caught in a vicious cycle, which is when we realize it’s too late to change (or at least that’s what we think at that point).  

I’m not telling you to necessarily break the rules and argue your way out of everything, I’m just telling you to allow yourself to grow into the beautiful person that you’re supposed to be.  You are unique, special and a miracle...you have to believe in that with all your heart.  If God wanted us all to be the same he wouldn’t have given us different brains and hearts to do otherwise!  I don’t want to get to spiritual or philosophical so I’ll just use a very simple example to illustrate my argument.  

Upon graduating from high school, most parents want their children to declare majors that will “ensure” financial stability in the future; i.e. Business Administration, Engineering, Architecture and Medicine.  Not all parents love the idea of Literature, Philosophy and Art.  Correct?  Again, this is not based on assumptions, rather on close observation and personal experience.  At this point, the student has a choice, he or she declares his/her major based on the parents’ wishes or sticks to what he or she truly loves, and I believe that if you don’t love what you do for a living, the money’s never going to come.  Of course, if the student is really into Engineering and that echoes his dad’s wishes, then great!  But if not, then we have a problem.  

That’s just a simple example, but it says a lot.  I know people who live their entire lives this way, aiming solely to please and avoid conflict, and thus completely diminishing their existence and turning into either A. a copy of the Other or B. the actualization of the Other’s dreams; in short, anything but him or herself. 

Take a look around you…at the office, at school…wherever you are.  You’ll probably find only a handful of people who are truly passionate about their job or their field of study…those are the lucky ones who are on the path of self-discovery…they are growing and are molding themselves as they go along.  Then…there you have the sad majority…those who drag themselves out of bed every morning already hoping that the day would end; those are the ones who completely lost themselves in the midst of the desires, dreams and aspirations of the Other.

Nevertheless, it is never too late to start growing.  Even if you think your time has passed, as long as you realize what went wrong or what you’re still doing wrong, you’re already half-way through.  Just go ahead, take a deep breath, take off your mask, and start living your life in accordance with your beliefs, your desires and your dreams.

Age is Just a Number!

“I'm not interested in age. People who tell me their age are silly. You're as old as you feel.”- Elizabeth Arden

For those of you who know me, I’m sure you are aware that–for me–age truly is just a number!  By the time I turn 30, 40, or even 50 you know that I’ll state my age loud and clear, there’s no need to hide behind fake birthdates and botox injections.  

So, why am I even bringing up the most sensitive women’s issue?  Well, it’s pretty simple.  One of my closest girlfriends turned 25 in August, and already she’s finding it hard to deal with the number.  Mind you, she’s beautiful, smart, kind, generous, talented, and successful…not to mention, she looks like she’s 19 years old, yes, I’m serious!  Growing up, I witnessed how the women in my family–as well as their friends–constantly lied about their age, and in some cases, it was plain ridiculous!  For starters, if you’re 50 years old, most likely you don’t look like you’re 25 anymore, so there’s no point in lying about it.

As children, my girlfriends and I loved hearing that–with the right makeup, extremely high heels and “fabulous” outfits, that weren’t really that fabulous to begin with–we looked 16 when we were only 14.  But, as the days went by and we hit our 20s, I noticed a change; those same girls started loving the opposite…whenever someone told them that they looked 19 when in fact they were 24 years old, they giggled and blushed like little kids.  

So what is it with women and age?  Men don’t seem to care that they’re getting older (well, at least most men don’t), so why should we?  As long as we look good and haven’t wasted our years doing absolutely nothing, what’s the big deal with getting older?  A common response I get in relation to the latter statement is “you’re still so young, when you get older you’ll understand why we care so much.”  Well, my response is simple, “no I won’t”!  Why?  Because all around me, it has already started, and I still don’t care!  The only time someone’s statement echoed mine was three years ago when a close friend’s mother turned 50.  First, we were shocked, because she looked absolutely stunning for her age, secondly we were dumbstruck at the fact that when we asked her how old she was, she proudly said “fifty.”  Then she added, “what’s the problem with getting older?  As long as I’ve used those years wisely, why should I be ashamed of them”?  Generally speaking, when we think of a “wise person,” we link him or her to age, don’t we?  I’m not saying that the latter is necessarily correct; the Buddha himself wasn’t that old when he attained enlightenment under the Bodhi tree, but yet, we seem to make that link. So why can’t we think of age in terms of wisdom instead of ugliness or negativity in general.  I know some “older” women who are simply beautiful; the ones who do take care of their health and beauty but without obsessing about facelifts, tummy tucks…and the whole shebang!  The ones who are comfortable with their age and act accordingly.  Most importantly, the ones who are young at heart, and as the saying goes “you are as young as you feel,” which I truly believe in. 

I honestly believe that the reason us girls and women dwell so much on the issue of age is because ages ago (I’m not quite sure when this age mania started), someone somewhere claimed that aging gracefully–for women–is a bad thing and that the older the woman the worse.  The same did not happen with men, which is why they mostly don’t care!  So, think about it for a minute, if the society you’re living in didn’t stress so much on the idea that the younger you are the better, would you really have cared so much about your age?

Just a Thought....(6)

"The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom."

- Arthur Schopenhauer 

(1788-1860), German Philosopher

A friend of mine sent me this quote by Arthur Schopenhauer in an e-mail a few days ago...and, well...it got me thinking.

As we all know, from experience and from the stories of others, pain is inescapable.   According to the Buddha, the fact that pain–or suffering–exists, is the first of his four noble truths.  Whether physical or psychological, it's a part of life, and it takes place every day in hundreds of different ways, with some needing more time than others to subside.  When we experience pain, we often see it as negative; we complain, cry, wonder "why"...in short, we hate it!  But let's think about it differently.  Isn't pain the thing that shakes us to the core and "wakes us up"?  Yes, it is definitely unpleasant, but look beyond it; what happens after the pain?  Look at your past experiences: breakups, failures, deaths...and the list goes on...where are you now?  How did those painful events shape you?  Speaking for myself, I can firmly assert that every single painful experience I went through made me the person I am today; I'm one who carries her scars with pride, why?  Because I definitely learned a valuable lesson, and if I still don't know what that lesson exactly is, I'll find out in due time.  Other than making us stronger, pain serves another purpose: it makes us appreciate things we previously took for granted.  It polishes your soul and your spirit, raises your attentiveness and makes you more aware and alert of your thoughts and actions.

What about boredom? I would say that boredom is worse than pain.  Why?  Well, as I previously mentioned, I can clearly see the "purpose" of the existence of pain, but why does boredom exist?  In my opinion, boredom is more hopeless.  I am aware that it is escapable, nevertheless, what are the lessons learned when one comes out of it? It is a state of numbness; no contemplation, no thinking and no acting, in short, when a person is bored and does nothing about it, i.e. succumbs to a state of boredom, what could he or she possibly learn from it other than the existence, or the feeling, of boredom?

Little White Lies?

What is a “white lie”?  The common answer that will probably pop into everyone’s mind is “a lie that doesn’t intend to hurt anyone.  A lie that isn’t really a lie.”  But how can it not “really” be a lie?  Think about it…after all, it is  called a white lie!

I’m not claiming to be the epitome of honesty and truthfulness…after all, I’m only human, and so are you. Sometimes we choose to lie – and sometimes it just “happens” – when we’re scared of loosing or disappointing someone, not in the mood to get into a fight…and the list goes on.  

For those of you who claim to have never lied, I challenge you.  I’m sure that – at least once – you’ve told your parents that the reason you’re past your curfew is because “there was an accident on the bridge.”  Right?  Another example:  you’ve probably told your boss that the reason you’re late for work is because your car wouldn’t start or that you couldn’t find a parking space.  Then of course there are the relationship-related “white lies.”  Those are evident when a girl tells her boyfriend (about some guy they just ran into), “oh, he’s just a friend,” when – in fact – she had a major crush on him back in the day and he wasn’t “just a friend.”  Or the other scenario, “I’m going to be late at work, so I won’t be able to make it to the doctor’s appointment with you,” which could also mean “I’m going to the movies with my best friend.”  The list goes on and on…but you get my point.  So far, these white lies seem harmless…all they do is save you time, energy and many arguments, right?  Well…what if your significant other, mother, father, boss or best friend found out that you’re lying?  I don’t think they’re going to understand that it was a “little white lie.”  As a matter of fact (and yes, this is from experience), all hell will break loose!  

Then again, as I previously mentioned, we’re human, and it’s a natural reflex to want to get out of trouble.  But what happens when one of those little white lies turns into a big black one?  What if Mr. K (I just like using the letter K.) decides to come up with a few little white lies to captivate Ms. N (again, it’s just a random letter)?  Now, to go on with the scenario; K. produces white lie after white lie over a span of an entire year; of course, N. falls head over heels for K.  Before she knows it, poof!  The K. she fell for disappears.  Instead, she’s faced with an ugly, mean, selfish version of the incredible K, and – of course – she’s heartbroken.  

And that’s just one of the scenarios that take place every single day when we think it’s ok to lie.  Again, I know it happens, we’re all guilty of it, but all I’m asking you to do is to think twice before choosing to lie; you never know how deeply you might end up scarring someone who actually fell for your “white lies.”  

A Tale of Spiritual Growth and the Discovery of Love

Those who know me, are very much aware that I’m not the type of person to sit down and read a novel—I’m into more complex works.  Nevertheless, while reading Paulo Coelho’s By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept, I couldn’t put it down.  I deeply connected with the words on each page—the events, the ideas, and even the blank spaces spoke to me in a way I couldn’t have foreseen.  A young man and woman—childhood friends—reunite.  She still lives in their hometown while he has grown to be a renowned spiritual leader.  They embark on a journey together—one of spiritual growth for her and for him, a journey of self-discovery—yet both combine to form a journey of love—a path of discovering the unity of two souls as one—under the umbrella of the utmost human emotion—namely love.

Rather than going into detailed description of the plot and a character analysis of each of the figures present, I decided to do something different.  Instead, I picked out a few quotations from the chapters—which are all in journal-entry form—on which I will further elaborate.

“I can read your eyes.  I can read your heart.  You are going to fall in love.”

So it’s true—the rather overused expression-turned-cliché—the eyes are the windows to the soul.  But what is it about eyes?  No matter how you try to hide it in words, your eyes can never lie, which leads me to another statement that drew me into the work; “No one can lie, no one can hide anything when he looks directly into someone’s eyes.” Rings true, doesn’t it? Whether you’re trying to hide love or hate—or any other emotion for that matter—once you look into that other person’s eyes your shield is broken—regardless of the harsh, or fake, mask you’re trying to get away with.

“It’s a very simple sentence, he said. I love you.”

Three words—three “simple” words—but are they really so easy to utter?  Some do it with such delight—such airiness—while others seem to struggle to even think of love, let alone confess it.  Bear in mind, that the man is the one who said these words so simply…and at that point in the novel, she, the young woman, wasn’t even sure of her feelings yet—and he knew it, but as an answer to her comment, “you’re mistaken about my feelings,” he said “no, I’m not mistaken.  I know you don’t love me.  But I’m going to fight for your love.”  Then he continued, “there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.  You are worth it.” Now, honestly speaking, how many men do you know that would be brave enough to say that to the woman they love?  How many men love a woman so much, so deeply, and are truly ready to give her their all?  Sure, men throw “I love you”s at as all the time—but do they really mean it?  Think about it!

“Neither of us had said anything.  Love doesn’t need to be discussed; it has its own voice and speaks for itself.” Sometimes, you fall into a relationship and end up falling out of it because you no longer have fun together—you no longer enjoy each other’s company and even if you’re at the trendiest spot in town you still manage to feel bored and upset.  But then, at other times—if you’re lucky—you could stay home with your partner; watching a movie or just gazing at each other in silence…and you feel like you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  If you’re one of the blessed ones—lucky enough to fall under the second umbrella—then give thanks to the superior powers because sometimes a silent hug or a deep kiss followed by a comforting embrace are everything you need.

“Waiting is painful.  Forgetting is painful.  But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”  The in-between—the purgatory on earth.  It’s not by coincidence that the torturous purgatory according to the Christian faith lies in the middle between heaven and hell, nor that the di-ference of the German philosopher Martin Heidegger lies between the heavens and earth—even the color gray—the undefined—lies between black and white! The middle is always the hardest place to be in—you don’t know what to do, where to go—where to start and when to move—back or forth, that is.

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.”

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your biggest sorrows and worries are the hopes and dreams of others?  While in a good mood, probably yes, and you thank God and the heavens above for being on your side.  But what about when you’re feeling down and lonely?  Do you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, you’re one of the lucky ones?  I’m not saying that your problems are minimal—in fact, they may be grave—because we are all different, and my problems may appear as a grain of salt while to me they look like huge sand dunes.  But it’s ok—bear the following in mind. As a closing for my article, I want you to remember this: each problem is an opportunity—a blessing is disguise—no matter what happens, it was meant to happen to help you grow—jus don’t give up and allow your spirit to develop.  Enrich it with love and passion—don’t be an empty shell focused on role-playing and appearances—take risks—whether in your career, your love life or your everyday life—and I promise you, that you will grow—embark on the journey of self-discovery and love with courage and passion.  

The Courage to “Be”

“The world lies in the hands

of those who have the courage to dream

and who take the risk of living out their dreams

-each according to his or her own talent.”

- Paulo Coelho, The Valkyries

I want to dedicate this piece to You.  The You who is both body and soul, but more importantly soul—the You who encompasses a true, unique gift that maybe no one recognizes or understands; the creative You, undoubtedly a spring of knowledge, ideas, perceptions and visions—that could benefit everyone and anyone.  And above all, the You who is forced to keep silent when there’s a lot to say—this is dedicated to the Unheard.

In this money-oriented world we live in, everything seems to revolve around the big bucks—but honestly, do you truly believe that a piece of paper with a few scribbles, changing from country to another, could be the source of your ultimate, timeless happiness?  Because, honestly speaking, what is this “thing” that people always encourage you to pursue?  Literally speaking, a pound, a dollar, a yen or any currency is basically the same—a small, rectangular piece of paper.  Paper!  And I’m sure you know that you’re worth a lot more than scrap.  

Take a look around you—closely analyze the lives of your friends and family, who probably all have well-paying jobs.  How many of them can you call “happy?”  I understand that it’s an extremely wide, and overused, term.  Nonetheless, how many of them aren’t filled with grudges and disharmony because of their daily routines?  I’m more than certain that only one or two of them chose their current occupation because it’s what they’ve always dreamed of doing.  Most of them are doing it for the cash.  And, please excuse my language, I find it quite pathetic.  It saddens me that so many people, who are filled with enormous potential to excel in many fields, resort to certain jobs because of the paycheck they so proudly tuck away in their pockets every month.  

Speaking from experience, I know a doctor who gave up his practice to pursue his true passion—landscaping.  This incredible man excelled tremendously in his job—and eventually, the money started flowing in, more so than ever!  His decision was undoubtedly frowned upon by his colleagues, but now, more than a decade later, he’s happier than ever—which gives you something to think about.  

I know about a handful of people who would make excellent painters, sculptors, writers and actors—but sadly enough, due to pressures and constraints, they were forced to study Business, Engineering or Medicine—how do you think they did?  Some of them did ok…some actually did really well as a result of torturously long hours of studying…and others simply failed—in the traditional sense.  In my opinion, they all failed—because they went against their nature.  Even if our ultimate goal is “happiness,” “satisfaction,” or “success,” the most important aspect of our existence is to harmonize ourselves; and believe me, you will never attain harmony unless you allow your spirit to grow, evolve and express itself.  No matter how many Jimmy Choo heels or Gucci bags you own, even if you’re driving the newest Mercedes or if you live in a mansion with its own private lake, you’ll never be truly happy if you’re not fulfilling your personal destiny.  

I’m not suggesting that you throw away your whole life, and I’m definitely not attacking any business-related jobs—because if may just be the right nourishment for your soul.  As I mentioned earlier, this article is dedicated to the Unheard—those of you who are aware of their nature and who realize that as the days go by, they’re only moving farther away from it.  Remember, there’s nothing wrong with having different interests than almost everyone around you…because they probably do but don’t realize it yet; maybe they’re simply lazy or too scared to go against the “right” targets that people think they should aim at.  If you feel trapped in this prison called the “they,” maybe it’s about time you broke out of your shackles—and wherever your soul will guide you, success, happiness, satisfaction, and most importantly harmony, will surely follow. 

You Can Never Miss a Chance

When it comes to relationships–for some reason–we usually compare the present one we're in to a past one...and unfortunately, especially if the current one is going down the drain...we start to question ourselves..."did I really give up 'the one'...did i turn my back on a chance instead of grabbing onto it?"  

I, for one, don't believe in lost chances.  I strongly believe in fate and in the power of the universe...or the order of the universe at least.  I also believe that everything happens for a reason.  I don't believe in lost chances for a very simple reason...if you meet someone, start dating for a while then break up, then the chance wasn't lost...quite simply, that person wasn't right for you.

I know this is easier said than done...and we all have one "ideal" person in our lives that was "perfect" for us...that one person we always compare everyone else to and that one person we can't really get over...but why is that?  Whether you got dumped or you were the one who initiated the break up, it was bound to happen...even if he (or she) was "perfect" in your eyes.  

Allow me to share a personal story with you (and I asked for permission before I could do so).  A very close friend of mine–a smart, beautiful, kind and sweet girl–met the "love of her life" six years ago.  They dated for a year then, for no apparent reason, he dumped her for somebody else–someone less smart, less beautiful, less kind and less sweet.  Needless to say, she was heartbroken...as a matter of fact, it took her five years (seriously, five years) before she could talk about the story without bursting into tears.  So, what was so special about this guy?  According to her, he was smart, gentle, sweet, caring, kind, hardworking, deep-thinking...and the list goes on.  She worshiped him...and if I could find a stronger word to describe her situation I would!  

But, Mr. Perfect didn't remain that way for long.

Only this year did she find out that he was forced to change his field of study because he failed miserably, he had stopped being a hard worker, his thoughts now composed of girls, bars and parties, he became selfish and he got himself into a handful of problems.  At first, she was shocked...but only now did she come to realize that this wasn't a missed chance.  Her image of him was perfect, but–as it turns out–he wasn't perfect at all...and come to think of it, she would never think twice about seriously dating him.  

So, what's the point of this story?  It's very simple: missed chances do not exist, if you "missed" it, it just wasn't right for you, and one day–maybe today, tomorrow or next year–you'll find out exactly why.  

Just a Thought....(5)

Why do some people choose to turn their backs on love because their emotions "freak them out"?  Is that even a valid reason?  Is loneliness the better alternative to letting oneself "go"?  

I, for one, am a big believer in the infamous four-letter-word.  And yes, I still believe that it makes the world go 'round.  I also believe that anyone who turns his or her back on love is a complete fool, and loneliness isn't the punishment deserved; it's not strong enough...at least, that's what I think.

So many people go through life without falling in love, and I truly feel sorry for them...they didn't meet the right person...maybe...and in that case, they're not to blame.  There are, however, those who willingly choose to look the other way when hit by Cupid's arrow.  According to what I've read about Greek and Roman mythology, there was no escape once Cupid (or Eros, as he's known to the Greeks) decided to poke someone's behind with one of his arrows...they'd fall in love no matter what.  Nowadays, however, according to personal experience as well as that of the people around me, there are so many people (according to what I've seen, men) who, once the realize that they do care about another person and that they might be willing to sacrifice their bachelor life for a settled one, they shun away and turn into cowardly dogs.  It looks like we need more than a handful of young boys with wings to break those dogs.

The question is: why?  I do understand that living as a bachelor, going through girls like a kid goes through a box of candy is fun, but it is short-lived; they're not going to be young forever, and eventually they will need to share their lives with someone.  The popular response "I'm still young"; fair enough, but what if this was "the One" and you chose to run away from your feelings for her instead of being a man and speaking up?  All I know is that those who get to experience love are very lucky and truly blessed...as for those who willingly turn their backs on love, they're better off dead. 

Just a Thought...(4)

“Life is present in the moment.  Illusion is a thought of life in the past or the future, both of which do not exist in reality.  The past is gone and will never return and the future is not a reality…when it becomes a reality it is the present.” – Dr. Shems Friedlander

Read the above quotation closely...and think about it.  The person who I'm quoting here is Dr. Shems Friedlander, one of the few inspiring professors I studied under as an undergraduate student at the American University in Cairo.  A true artist in every sense...

Think about it...so many around us...if not we ourselves...live in the past...we recount numerous memories (for some reason, mostly sad ones) and we willingly pour salt into our open wounds to make sure that they never heal!  We compare our present to the past, always shedding light on the latter, making sure that we ruin the present moment...which is, actually, all we truly have!  

Then there are those of us who only daydream about the future..."tomorrow I'll do this..." or "tomorrow I'll say that..." It's all about "tomorrow," but what about "today?"  Without "today"...without the "now," there will be no "tomorrow!"  

Even the Buddha himself stressed on the present, labeling it the only reality.  So why is it that so many of us seem to grant the past and the future much more importance than the present?  We hang on to bits of string from our past and drag it into our today and then grasp them too strongly while dreaming about the future...but what's the point?

The past is...just as its name implies...past!  It's gone!  So why dwell on it?  I'm not telling you to throw away your memories...as a matter of fact, I'll go so far as to tell you that you should cherish them and learn from them...whether good or bad...but don't live as if they were here today!  The same goes for the future; I'm not telling you to give up your dreams...I'm a dreamer and I definitely believe in dreaming...but I also believe in hard work, determination, appreciation and...the present!  Without the present there will be no future.

And so, with that all said...the present is what is important...it is the only thing that counts...if you don't make use of what you have today...if you don't appreciate what is here now and enjoy it...then you'll be left with yesterday's tears and tomorrow's groundless dreams.

The Mirror

"Reality replied: O prisoner of time,

I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,

and I wished this treasure to be known,

so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;

its darkened back, the world;

The back would please you if you've never seen the face."

- From Jalaluddin Rumi's poem "Be Lost in the Call"

A very wise philosophy professor once told me, "these eyes do not see the truth," and he pointed to his eyes...then he added "but these eyes do," pointing to his heart.  We automatically associate the eyeball with vision, why?  Well, because science explains this long, tedious and complex procedure about how our eyes allow us to "see."  Before I get started, you should be aware that I'm one of those people who value the arts...more so than science...and while no one can deny the importance of the latter, I prefer going back to classical philosophies and esoteric systems...for some reason they just make more sense to me.  

So we have eyeballs that enable us to see...we look around...we see the trees, the cars, the streets, the people...we form opinions, make judgements, choose to take in what "makes sense," and that's about it.  But think about what my professor told me...why is it that some traditions like Sufism, for example, stress the importance of the heart and not that of the mind.  The answer is actually quite simple.  Since our mind is "distorted," due to the lack of harmony in our personality, we do not "see" true things...we see things from certain perspectives...we impose our beliefs, ideals, morals and opinions on the things we see...falsely believing them to be true...and yet, as Rumi so eloquently puts it, what we see is the "darkened back, the world."  

It takes time to purify the heart...it requires dedication, persistence, meditation and patience...and only when we succeed, will we be able to see the truth.  This idea is not only restricted to Sufism though.  In Plato's famous work, The Republic, he talks about "the allegory of the cave," but to save you an extensive philosophic discussion allow me to sum up the basic idea.  Those trapped in the cave, submissive to their physical eyes, are fools...they think they see the truth and yet they only see shadows...while the one person, the "philosopher king" as Plato refers to him, is he who escapes, exits the cave and thus sees the "true" light...the light of truth.  

I am very much aware that the Buddha stresses the importance of the mind, and being a big believer in many of his teachings, I need to add one thing for those who take his sayings for granted.  What the Enlightened one is talking about is the harmonized mind; the mind that results from a harmonized physical body and thus is no longer attached to the phenomena, or the things of this world.  That very same mind is equivalent to the mirror of the heart--the clean slate that has been washed and disinfected from the distorted visions resulting from the conflicting personality (composed of four aspects: the physical, the vital, the emotional and the concrete mind).  

Whether you prefer using the word "heart" or "mind," they are almost the same...and all I'm advising you to do is to think twice about everything you see, feel, hear, touch...anything that you take in through your senses...they might be distorted, and you might be trapped in the hall of illusion. 

Just a Thought....(3)

I don't think I need to tell you how much pedestrians suffer when crossing the streets of Cairo.  We've all been there...and we've all had a really hard time.  But what hurts me the most is when I see an elderly person who's miserably bent over on a cane and can't get through the swarming cars due to the fact that none of them is decent enough to stop for a moment and let him or her pass.  And, of course, since no one really follows traffic rules in this city, one cannot really blame them.  Nevertheless, a few days ago, I was awestruck...a glimmer of hope shone down and bathed one of the busiest streets of Cairo in its splendor.  An elderly woman dressed in a long black galabeya and headscarf was, like many people everyday, trying to cross the street; and of course, as is mostly the case, no one was there to lend her a helping hand...well, at least that's what I thought...

To my surprise, a young man, who was clearly somewhat disabled both mentally and physically, gently held her hand, forced the cars to stop by charmingly and clumsily signaling them to do the latter, and helped her arrive safely at the other side of the street.  Can you imagine?  No one, and I mean NO ONE, bothered to take a second look at this helpless woman...except someone who one would normally view as incapable...and yet, he was filled with more courage, empathy and compassion than any of the hundreds of fully competent people who roamed the streets that morning.  

Out of Sight...Out of Heart?

"Out of sight, out of mind," sound possible...makes sense...rings true?  Well, think about it again.

The keywords here are "sight," "out," and "mind."  Isn't it funny how the word "heart" doesn't occur once in this overly used proverb?  I've heard it in at least three different languages, and I've also come across the same interpretation of it over and over again:  when a loved one disappears from a lover's vision, he or she is lost in the memories of the past, and is thus "out of mind."  Attached to the latter is the (false) assumption that when it does happen, the person in question becomes a memory and slowly even gets lost in that sea of oblivion...but is it really true?  

Well, in my opinion, if love was involved then it's the farthest from the truth.  How many times have we heard of lovers who longed for one another, or of a lover who lost his beloved yet longed for him/her more and more each day, even if they did not see each other at all? I know of a girl who didn't see her ex for three years; they had stopped talking completely, and yet every time his name came up she would burst into tears.  No matter how much I tried to console her, it just didn't work.  I even tried setting her up with numerous guys, but she wouldn't allow anyone to burst her bubble of nebulous dreams.  As a matter of fact, every single time a guy would approach her she would freak out, turn off her phone and make excuses to push him away.  So tell me, do you honestly think that he was "out of (her) mind"?  I don't think so!  And that's only one story...I for one heard of such cases more than a hundred times, and yet, it seems to me, that people still believe that when a lover is "out of sight," he or she becomes "out of mind."  Maybe "out of mind," but once the heart is replaced with the mind, deep, fruitful and intense love ceases to exist; and once logic and over-thinking take over, then yes, "out of sight, out of mind" rings true. If you've ever been in love, however, you will know that love is the most incredible–yet most illogical–feeling of them all...you don't know why you're in love with that special someone...and sometimes that someone is definitely not your Mr. Right, but you still love him and would defy everyone and anything to be by his or her side. If true love is involved, then no matter how far away your loved one is, you will not–or you cannot–forget him or her...at least that's what I think.  And even if you do...for a certain period...even if you meet someone else, that special love will always linger in the back of your head; as much as we all hate to admit that (we all like to convince ourselves that the past is gone, and yes, it is gone but the memory still remains), it is true.  Just look at yourself (if you've been in love, that is) or look at the people around you.  I can guarantee that when someone falls in love, no matter how far away the beloved is, he is never–and I mean never–"out of heart."

Think about that.

Only God Can Judge Me

“If you don't know, then ask me. If you don't agree, then argue with me.

 If you don't like, then say it to me. But don't keep silent and judge me.”

The quote above is by an anonymous author—and yet most of you probably identify with it.  I never really understood why the first impressions are the lasting ones—because, honestly speaking, I couldn’t disagree more.  In the society we live in we’re constantly being judged—and unfortunately, the conclusions are usually based on superficial assumptions, superficial labels, and are thus…superficial!  If you’re a girl and you happen to be a smoker—you’re judged.  If you’re a guy who enjoys going to parties—you’re judged.  If you have a tattoo or a piercing of some sort—of course, you’re judged.  If you wear eccentric outfits or revealing clothes—you’re judged.  Voice your opinion?  You guessed it, you’re judged.  And I know that as some readers go through my lines—I’m being judged! 

Sure, you can start talking and expressing yourself until the outer, “judged” shell finally falls apart—but what if you’re not given the chance to shine?  What if the unfair people that make up the day-to-day jury that we encounter don’t even allow themselves a chance to see the true You?  Unfortunately, we all end up wearing masks—playing certain roles, performing on a stage in front of the critics, hoping to get the best possible review.  Come to think of it, it is really quite pathetic! 

I know about a handful of people who truly do not care what others think of them—well maybe they care about their partner’s opinion, or that of their parents, but other than that they don’t quite give a hoot!  Then, there’s the “they,” that make up the larger percentage of the cake—those who care too much about what “they” think of them and how “they,” the others, view them.  They act according to what society and the socialites demand—I’m not trying to start a revolution here, but all I’m hoping for is that when you come across my article, you will realize that it’s about time you stopped obsessing too much about what others think of you; whether you like it or not, regardless of how you behave or what you wear, you will still plead “guilty” in the eyes of the jury—but why?  Well, that’s an interesting and very important question to ask.  

There are actually more than a million reasons behind this constant judging.  First, there’s green-eyed envy—or jealousy if you prefer.  How many times has a gorgeous woman walked by without you (or a friend of yours) finding an almost invisible flaw such as her tight pants for example, only to label her a tramp?  Admit it—you’re jealous.  And it’s ok—but channel that feeling towards something positive—like working out or dieting, for example—this way you’ll get that to-die-for figure of hers—there’s no need to start labeling others because of your insecurities.  Secondly, there’s the inferiority complex.  For some, it is quite a challenge to feel good about themselves—and without admitting that they have a problem, they suffer from a constant feeling that “he/she’s better than me, so I have to find a way to put them down,” and what better way to do so than to judge them—gracing them with a negative label, that is.  

I can go on forever when it comes to why we judge others and vice versa—but is it really necessary?  I vote “not necessary,” at all!  So remember, if you’re one of those who wouldn’t dare wear an outfit twice because of what your friends might say—snap out of it—if they can’t appreciate and love you for who you are then there’s not that great of friends to begin with—even if you wear the same pair of jeans two days in a row!  On the other hand, if you’re blessed with indifference with respect to the 24/7-awake jury, then congratulations—you’ve managed to jump off the stage, throw away your mask and walk out of the dark theater, into the bright daylight.  

No Regrets!

With the arrival of each new year, I’m sure you all promise to do this or that, and along with the latter—of course—to never repeat that one thing you said or that other thing you did…and positive affirmation is a good way to start…if you can keep it up.  But, speaking from personal experience, we’re all human…and sometimes things are easier said than done.  And, after reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s 100 Years of Solitude, I realized that life is cyclical—of course in some cases it is linear—but think about it…don’t you find yourself making the same silly mistakes over and over?  Don’t you catch yourself promising to never make that same mistake again…and yet, without really paying attention to it…you catch yourself repeating the whole exact scenario?  Sometimes with a twist, undeniably, but the end result is in most cases the same…and you go on and on about how stupid it was, how regretful you feel and, of course, how you’ll “never ever make that same mistake again.”  

I’m not saying that you’re forever caught in a labyrinth of repetition…well, in a sense—sometimes—you find yourself going down that very same path you vowed never to take…and it’s ok!  Picture driving around the streets of Cairo…which are filled with unnoticeable ditches and holes…you fall into the same hole once, twice and maybe ten times...until you finally find a way out—by looking for a completely different route, and—to your surprise—you’re out of the maze, for good!  

So what am I really saying?  All I’m telling you to do is to give yourself a break!  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  We all make mistakes…some that are grave and some that seem minute…but they’re all mistakes we repeat over and over…and of course, promise ourselves over and over to stop repeating them.  But…every time we make the same mistake, whether you like to admit it or not, we learn something new—about ourselves and about the world around us.  Again, I’m not encouraging you to give up hope…you’re not eternally doomed!  All I’m saying is that if you repeat a mistake—even if it’s for the hundredth time—you shouldn’t regret it; in fact, I’ll go so far as to say that you should embrace it.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason…and the reason will always fill you with insights and ideas—more lessons learned.  And, when the time is right, you will find your alternate route and you will walk out of the maze.  But for this upcoming year, try to promise yourself this one, seemingly simple, thing—you will not regret anything—no matter how big or dramatic your mistake appears to be, further up the road you’ll realize that you had to learn a lesson…and your mistake will turn into a blessing in disguise…you should be thankful for it.